nothing fits

personal diary


I just got my period about 3 hours ago. I wasn’t expecting it because it’s not due in 10 more days. But alas, it’s here and there’s nothing I can do about it but to just wait for it to pass and right now, I’m just feeling too tired, too ugly, too hungry.

This too shall pass, darling.

Nothing that I do has been right these past few days. I’m always feeling agitated, annoyed, over sensitive and I cried at a cafe because I was just… annoyed about feeling annoyed.

A bunch of new, absolutely beautiful clothes arrived sometime last week and I could not have felt more sad. Nothing seems to fit. That’s what usually happens when my body bleeds. Nothing is right. I feel like a goddamn elephant, I’m bloated and I’m an emotional mess. I’ve been going through menstrual cycle for almost two decades now and every single month, this old feeling will come and my whole world will just crumble to the floor. Books that I read, every movies that I watch will only make me sad because everything is just so fucking emotional and confusing. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

Met an old friend for a drink earlier and I totally lost the plot. The whole night, my new jeans weren’t even buttoned. We talked about how people feel this need to always look so happy on social media. It’s a lie. We all know it’s not true. No one could be happy every-fucking-day. We’re all human. We’re made to feel things. To have emotions. If you’re happy, say you’re happy. If you’re sad, say that you’re sad. I know I have a lot to be happy about and I’m grateful. But it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to let your emotions consume you sometime. There need to be a balance between happiness and sadness because one won’t work without the other.

I know. You know. We all know.

a note to love

personal diary

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I’m aware of being alone.

I’m not scared. Not anxious. Not unhappy. I’m actually enjoying this phase in my life but also excited of who I might meet and what will happen. Am I going to meet him at a cafe? Or when I travel? Or from online-dating sites? How will it happen when it happens? I let myself bask in these ridiculous imagination sometime. It’s fun and I’ll smile.

I’ve had my heart really, really shattered only once. It hit me suddenly one morning and I carried around the ache in my heart for 6 months. I lost a lot of weight. I locked myself in my room and binge watch something inane on Netflix for hours. I refuse to meet up with friends. Went on a drinking rampage alone only to regret it immediately.

6 months and I’ve had enough. I’m not this person. I could be a lot of things but I’m not weak.

There have been boys since. Awkward, failed first dates that still makes me laugh. Men I enjoyed for a few months, weeks, days and also those that I would love to have known better. It’s a collection of experience.

Often, I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Well, I’m not the easiest lady to date. A submissive one, I am most definitely not, darling. I’m opinionated. I don’t dim my voice when I have something to say. I have a temper that can be borderline satanic. I’m moody, prone to melancholic behaviour which I don’t even realise and most of all, I often enjoy (but not always) being a loner.

I’m not in a hurry. I’m not on quest to snag a husband. My heart is not in a mad rush to dive into someone else’s life. I just want someone who can meet me in the middle. A relationship where our lives meet, but does not become one. No, not yet. At the age of 32, where most of my close friends are already married and having their 3rd child, or are living with boyfriends, friends who have been with the same partner for a long, long time. I’m not ready for all that.

Right now, I’d like to find someone who held those promises to me.