The Upside-Down

personal diary

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Perhaps this is an overshare. But whatever I spill here are true to how I feel. I suffer terribly from menstrual bloating. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel disgusted. Once a month I go from my usual size 32/6 jeans to elastic waistbands only. And every month it humiliates me, zaps my confidence down to zero and I will crawl into that dark place where I will call the upside-down (if you know where I got that from, I love you!). I feel uncomfortable in all my clothes and will usually do everything I can to stay home, alone. I secretly shuddered the last time the man I’m dating tried to touch me. Leave me alone! My mood is just terrible, the worst. It is borderline satanic. It is epic hard work being a woman, our hormones are total despot, capable of altering not only our moods but our body shape too. All of us, as women deserve trophies for dealing with that all the time, our entire lives. I hate it when boys think we’re over reacting and use period as an excuse to lash out incessantly. Shh, I say. You know nothing. It’s a monthly personal hell. And you know nothing. So, Shhh.

Small Silly Things

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I hope you do at least one thing everyday that makes you feel happy. It sounds dumb, but it’s sincere all the same. Even the most silly things are important if it makes you happy, I hope you know that. Never ever, ever, ever feel ashamed at how you seek joy even if, to other people it seems like the most mundane of task. As for myself? I enjoy brewing my coffee in nothing but my undies in the morning. Curling my hair sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the mirror makes me happy. I like lying on the carpet in my room with all the windows wide open, and sometimes, I like to drink black coffee at midnight so I can stay up to watch foreign movies. Sitting on my sofa reading a new book is an incredible joy. There are so many small silly things around me that makes me smile. Don’t get me wrong, I too overindulge in melancholy, I do. Because sadness is a complicated one, layered like a mille-feuille and too easy to exaggerate. Perhaps, it was the intense, fun trip to Hong Kong last weekend that has evaporated all my gloom away and maybe, I grew an inch or two in emotional strength and found my way out. But I’m happy and even happier to be able to express that here. So here’s to me and here’s to you, I hope you do at least one thing everyday that makes you feel happy. You owe that to yourself. You owe it to life. Never ever forget that. Never ever forget all the silly things that make you smile. It is a crucial habit to your happiness.

choices

personal diary

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Like the tide, this year has undulated through highs with equally intense lows. But ultimately, I have managed to stay faithfully in love with the things that I have and do on a daily basis that forms my life, so to speak. I work a lot, but really, my job is a hysterically fun and creatively fulfilling one. It amazes me that life sometimes feels too good. If you think about it, there are just so many things, no? I think the most important thing is to choose the things that you really want. The choices that we make run like rivers through our lives, flooding the days we live right here, right now. What do you really want? Where do you truly want to live? What is your preference, the snow or the sunshine? What makes you dizzy happy? What makes you extremely excited? Money, how would you like to make it? All the hours and days you have for yourself, what will you do? Will you take up knitting or go travel or paint or read or learn a language? What kind of partner are you looking for? And friends, who do you want to surround yourself with? What traits do you want them to have? Wow, the things! We have so, so many choices to choose from in this great big world we live on. The sun rises and then goes down. Seasons change and months rolled from one to the next and between all this flecks of time sit choices in a crazy unlimited supply. Isn’t that exciting? Doesn’t it want to make you sit still and think about all the things you want for yourself? I sure hope so. In the exact same way you would choose between a white or black sneakers at a store. You need to sigh because the choice is always hard; and then panic momentarily before choosing whichever you prefer. And let me tell you, there will be many times you will be confused between all these whichevers and whatevers to enrich your life. Hold on, listen! Have you ever marveled at all the ways you can go? There, staring at your face right this minute is a series of options flowing and they won’t stop flowing until your heart stops beating. I mean, how lucky are we? So lucky. But ampleness has its detriments in which it requires decisions. I hope you make these all the time. I hope you sit in solitary and reflect and collect choices that channels you to right current. There are so many things and most importantly, you deserve so many things, so, so many things. I hope you remember that.

Impromptu

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I love the spontaneity of this photo. I was tracking my Uber and a good friend snapped this picture. Unpremeditated is how I feel as of late. I’m speeding through saying YES to almost everything. Maybe because, for the past 21-months, I’ve spent a lot of time alone, traipsed off my social life, ran away from relationships and just bask in my solitude, away from the world. The thing is, I don’t crave people. I feel most at one when I’m alone – I cherish all those mornings while I wait for my coffee to finish brewing and I just stand at my kitchen door and marvel at the simple fact that I own a sofa, and the tv, wow, that’s mine too. All these things seemed so far away merely a year and a half ago and now they are right in front of me to stare at while I sip my black coffee in nothing but my undies. You see, I needed to veer off somewhere by myself. And now, I can proudly say that my favourite company is my own. Of course, there are friends’ hands to hold when life rolls hard, but ultimately, I have me – I am enough. With that said, I do also have days where I would burst out in tears for no apparent reason. I am insane. But maybe, there is a lesson in my emotional mess. Firstly, whatever you’re struggling with this week, today, an hour ago… It will eventually vanish. We are similiar to good wine – we get better with age. Hold on to that thought whenever you feel lost or stonewalled or wailing into a bottle of Tanqueray. Secondly, happiness isn’t set in stone. It’s not a guarantee. Life is chaotic. So when you do feel that light and easy contentment; indulge it! No joy is too small to celebrate. If you are happy, say it, sing it, dance it. Go get 8 glasses of Chardonnay with your best friend. Be sure to honour the emotions in its simplest form. Learn to be spontaneous, tattoo the word “impromptu” in your mind so it would be a part of who you are. Say YES. A good friend asks me if I want to go to an event next week. I say YES, WHY NOT? Girls I barely knew asked me out for coffee YES, SURE WHERE? Let’s go for a random trip 2, 000 miles away YES, LET’S GO! Obviously there are a lot of things that is best to say NO to. But anything fun, exciting and trivial can always be better answered with a yes than a no. Life is short and wow, we are alive and we have all these days beyond us and it’s exhilarating and we can fill them however we please. Isn’t it beautiful and magical? This is life and its once and it’s a story, there is always a story. Remember that for your own life. It’s your life, make it a great story – blasting wild, beautiful and messy ablaze.

Must You Ruin Everything?

personal diary

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Hypocritical Secretaries,
Friends,
And brothers.

Must you ruin everything?

As if the world were new?
As if it was the first morning?
As if it were still dawn?

The truth is, honourable Secretaries,
Is that what has already been ruined.
Our founding disillusion is our freedom.

You must have nothing to lose,
To love heart and soul.
You must eclipse the giddy heights,
To dare to plunge headlong.
You must endure the fall of empires and the greatest storms,
To be together in that moment.

You must have lived.
You must have lost.
Over and again.
To triumph with you.

Love is nothing when it’s clean, new and pure.
Love before the storm is not a decision.
It’s a decree.

When the event, accident or opportunity occurs.
Be there.
Standing.

Find the word, action or look.

Yes, my love.
In that moment,
Rely on me.
I won’t go missing.

At that minute,
I’ll be there.

And so, I predict…
We shall be,
The winners.

– Mon Roi

My Own Little World

personal diary

Messy hair and an even messier heart is how I have come to you today. Bare faced, wearing my new lazy top that I got on sale a few days ago. “Unsteady” by X-Ambassadors were on a loop since four hours ago. The night is cold. I can feel the breeze from my window, sweeping into this house of mine – my own little world as I like to think of it. A few art pieces in frames that are still on the floor. I’ve been meaning to have them nailed properly on the wall, but haven’t gotten around it and I don’t know why. Books that I have read and re-read looked pretty on the shelf. Stacks of old books that nobody seems to want, but me.  When my heart is broken and life gets heavy, there is nowhere I’d rather be but here – in my bed for two but just for me alone. Nothing can hurt me here. Life is simple in my little world. I feel safe and protected here in a way I can’t quite explain. I keep to myself. I spend more time alone –  there are books and writing and endless cups of coffee and flowers and Netflix to keep me company. Maybe this is me growing up a tiny bit. Maybe it’s me finding home between my skin and bones and eventually, I will wind up being exactly what I need to be. The woman of my dreams.

A Wish For A Day Together

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Oh, I wish we could hang out together – I would love to have you over for breakfast. I make a mean French Toast with blueberry & crushed ginger snaps and drizzled with agave sugar. You can help me with coffee – I like mine black with half a teaspoon of sugar, thank you. We’ll talk about what juice to have later. I’ll suggest carrot & ginger. You want orange. I will mix all three just to be fair. We’ll sit on my bed with the windows wide open while listening to Spotify. I’ll tell you about the boy I’m in love with and how he has no clue. You’ll tell me about cute things your boyfriend did for you. I’ll feel happy for you, but sad for me. For a split second I’ll feel alone, but not lonely. We’ll continue to talk about nothing that is everything and everything that is nothing. The sun will start to set and the sky turns gold. You’ll sit cross-legged at the corner of my bed while I agonise over my makeup and I’ll curse when I smear mascara on my cheek (because let’s face it, I’m a disaster!). You will assure me that I look amazing and that my outfit is the perfect combination of provocative and playful. We’d go out without a plan. One thing we’re sure of is we need some wine. There might be a bar, or a few bars. We might also share a plate of truffle fries, there might be handsome men, or there might not be. There might be taxis across town and back again. There could be nothing, or everything. But anything at all is fine with us –  because it’s the weekend and we have each other and the promise of a night together that we will laugh about tomorrow.

you will always have you

personal diary

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Here are some thoughts I found in the sun, here are some thoughts I want you to read and here are some thoughts I want you to know; love yourself. There is nothing wrong with self-love. There will come a day when you need to make definitive decisions for your future where you need to place yourself first. There is no way you can give to others if you’re not whole. I wish I could tell myself this when I was younger – that I need to love myself enough to walk away from people that weren’t making me better. There are a lot of people in this world who can make you feel inadequate, who will go to great length just to make you feel so fucking small. My ex used say to me when we fight, “I would really like to see how your life turns out one day when I leave you.” I have to say, it hurts a lot. In his mind, he upgraded me and that by being with me he’s actually doing me a favour. Eventually, we broke up. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I cried myself to sleep for months. Yes, I wallowed in melancholy dirge for half a year. And then, I decided I’ve had enough. I took time to focus on the relationship with myself. I paid attention to my needs. And it’s been great. You need to understand that after love, life does not stop. Life keeps going and it’s really up to us to create the story we want to live. But always remember to love yourself first. Protect yourself, protect your heart. People owe us nothing: they can just walk into our lives, make us feel hopeful and loved, then disappear without any explanation or apology. And for us girls, we often get carried away too soon. And it’s always a mess. But you shouldn’t regret anything. You should remember all of it. You should remember all the time you wasted in your room or someone else’s room. You should remember the people you tried to love and those who tried to love you. Then I want you to remember the moment you developed an understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t. I want you to remember being comfortable with yourself and not feel the need to apologise for every goddamn thing. I want you to always, always remember the very first time you decided not to put your entire being into someone’s careless hands. Because remembering and realising that you will always have you, that’s pretty fucking great.

rain & other thoughts

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I love how it rains everyday now. The temperature has dropped, the sky sings and I’m happy – happy to participate in life before sundown. Happy to make plans at noon and not having to think twice before ordering a glass (or two) of red wine. I forgot my wallet again today. Left it on the console table when I put on my shoes this morning and forgotten all about it. Realised it a tad too late – after I ordered my Long Black at the cafe near my office. Bless the barista for mistaking my messiness as cute – it’s not. But other than not having any money today, I had a good day. I managed to tick all of my boxes and more. Mercury is in Retrograde right now, so I’m a little nervous everyday. I worry about things I shouldn’t be worried about. But that’s just how I cope. That’s the only way I know how. I think a bit too much. Too much that I am a constant chaos. Just look at this, look at what I just wrote. I jump from one thing to another. My thoughts are everywhere. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

in the night quiet

personal diary

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I’m missing someone somewhere far. We’ve only met once and it doesn’t make sense. I didn’t expect this, I dragged myself out for our first and only date (so far). I guess this is what happens after a long saga of dating disasters. You grow weary and pessimistic and hesitant and doubtful. You just expect nothing. We have all been there, single and happy being alone but seeking for someone somewhere. It was a Saturday, we had dinner; I had some nibbles and we shared a bottle of wine, silently telling myself he’s a total womanizer – because there I sat and I don’t even half-hate him and that is quite strange. I wasn’t discreetly sending SOS text to a friend, in fact, my iPhone was face-down on the table and I didn’t even look at it once. I actually had a very lovely time. Funny, how very funny. I should stop before I embarrass myself further telling all of you about something that is probably nothing. Or it could be something. I don’t know. Sigh. It is always in the night quiet I let myself drown in feelings. Like tonight. I miss someone somewhere far and it doesn’t make sense.