A Wish For A Day Together

personal diary

12804682_10154575789038154_7943208380085500114_n

Oh, I wish we could hang out together – I would love to have you over for breakfast. I make a mean French Toast with blueberry & crushed ginger snaps and drizzled with agave sugar. You can help me with coffee – I like mine black with half a teaspoon of sugar, thank you. We’ll talk about what juice to have later. I’ll suggest carrot & ginger. You want orange. I will mix all three just to be fair. We’ll sit on my bed with the windows wide open while listening to Spotify. I’ll tell you about the boy I’m in love with and how he has no clue. You’ll tell me about cute things your boyfriend did for you. I’ll feel happy for you, but sad for me. For a split second I’ll feel alone, but not lonely. We’ll continue to talk about nothing that is everything and everything that is nothing. The sun will start to set and the sky turns gold. You’ll sit cross-legged at the corner of my bed while I agonise over my makeup and I’ll curse when I smear mascara on my cheek (because let’s face it, I’m a disaster!). You will assure me that I look amazing and that my outfit is the perfect combination of provocative and playful. We’d go out without a plan. One thing we’re sure of is we need some wine. There might be a bar, or a few bars. We might also share a plate of truffle fries, there might be handsome men, or there might not be. There might be taxis across town and back again. There could be nothing, or everything. But anything at all is fine with us –  because it’s the weekend and we have each other and the promise of a night together that we will laugh about tomorrow.

you will always have you

personal diary

IMG_5433
Here are some thoughts I found in the sun, here are some thoughts I want you to read and here are some thoughts I want you to know; love yourself. There is nothing wrong with self-love. There will come a day when you need to make definitive decisions for your future where you need to place yourself first. There is no way you can give to others if you’re not whole. I wish I could tell myself this when I was younger – that I need to love myself enough to walk away from people that weren’t making me better. There are a lot of people in this world who can make you feel inadequate, who will go to great length just to make you feel so fucking small. My ex used say to me when we fight, “I would really like to see how your life turns out one day when I leave you.” I have to say, it hurts a lot. In his mind, he upgraded me and that by being with me he’s actually doing me a favour. Eventually, we broke up. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I cried myself to sleep for months. Yes, I wallowed in melancholy dirge for half a year. And then, I decided I’ve had enough. I took time to focus on the relationship with myself. I paid attention to my needs. And it’s been great. You need to understand that after love, life does not stop. Life keeps going and it’s really up to us to create the story we want to live. But always remember to love yourself first. Protect yourself, protect your heart. People owe us nothing: they can just walk into our lives, make us feel hopeful and loved, then disappear without any explanation or apology. And for us girls, we often get carried away too soon. And it’s always a mess. But you shouldn’t regret anything. You should remember all of it. You should remember all the time you wasted in your room or someone else’s room. You should remember the people you tried to love and those who tried to love you. Then I want you to remember the moment you developed an understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t. I want you to remember being comfortable with yourself and not feel the need to apologise for every goddamn thing. I want you to always, always remember the very first time you decided not to put your entire being into someone’s careless hands. Because remembering and realising that you will always have you, that’s pretty fucking great.

rain & other thoughts

personal diary

IMG_8379

I love how it rains everyday now. The temperature has dropped, the sky sings and I’m happy – happy to participate in life before sundown. Happy to make plans at noon and not having to think twice before ordering a glass (or two) of red wine. I forgot my wallet again today. Left it on the console table when I put on my shoes this morning and forgotten all about it. Realised it a tad too late – after I ordered my Long Black at the cafe near my office. Bless the barista for mistaking my messiness as cute – it’s not. But other than not having any money today, I had a good day. I managed to tick all of my boxes and more. Mercury is in Retrograde right now, so I’m a little nervous everyday. I worry about things I shouldn’t be worried about. But that’s just how I cope. That’s the only way I know how. I think a bit too much. Too much that I am a constant chaos. Just look at this, look at what I just wrote. I jump from one thing to another. My thoughts are everywhere. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

in the night quiet

personal diary

12080335_494404484073657_4394231241823117852_o

I’m missing someone somewhere far. We’ve only met once and it doesn’t make sense. I didn’t expect this, I dragged myself out for our first and only date (so far). I guess this is what happens after a long saga of dating disasters. You grow weary and pessimistic and hesitant and doubtful. You just expect nothing. We have all been there, single and happy being alone but seeking for someone somewhere. It was a Saturday, we had dinner; I had some nibbles and we shared a bottle of wine, silently telling myself he’s a total womanizer – because there I sat and I don’t even half-hate him and that is quite strange. I wasn’t discreetly sending SOS text to a friend, in fact, my iPhone was face-down on the table and I didn’t even look at it once. I actually had a very lovely time. Funny, how very funny. I should stop before I embarrass myself further telling all of you about something that is probably nothing. Or it could be something. I don’t know. Sigh. It is always in the night quiet I let myself drown in feelings. Like tonight. I miss someone somewhere far and it doesn’t make sense.

Villa America

personal diary

IMG_2981

I’m in the midst of reading Villa America right now. I’m at the part where Gerald Murphy and Sara Wiborg writes love letters prior to them getting married. I’m fascinated by the Murphys, I really am. They were real-life characters who inspired Fitzgerald’s Tender is the Night (a very, very good book by the way). They were iconic in the Golden age of 1920s Europe. They threw magnificent parties –  with equally magnificent guests like F. Scott Fitzgerald himself to Man Ray to Joyce to Picasso and Hemingway. Villa America at Cap d’Antibes in the French Riviera is a real place too. Oh, how I wish I’d lived to be friends with the Murphys. Sometimes I’m able to visualise how enchanting the 1920s Europe was, and sometimes, I just sit and sigh wondering how it really was. Sara and Gerald grew up in a tableau vivant and they swore not to succumb to that once they got married. They have the most peculiar taste in things – a bassinet that was made of reeds, a pair of silver grape scissors, a set of ivory oyster forks, a strange lavender pitcher for Honoria’s (their first born) bath. Can you just imagine their house? Can you imagine the art collection that they had mounted on the walls at Villa America? Gerald Murphy dabbled in fine arts too for awhile and produced 14 paintings from 1922 and 1929 which is now considered major works of American Modernism. This book has piqued my interest in the Murphys even more. I wish someone would write me love letters… or emails. Don’t people believe in romance anymore? I don’t know. I’m a bit tipsy as I’m writing this.

the heat & my grouses

personal diary

Baby_Sol (1)

This was exactly two months ago. One day, I will tell you all about my month-long trip to Spain and all the feelings that came with it.

I miss everywhere except where I am right now, which doesn’t even make sense. I’m tired of the weather – the heat and humidity has risen to levels that I can no longer bear. I’m back to chewing ice cubes after meals, an old habit that I absolutely despise. Putting on makeup is a waste of time as it will melt and form a funny gunk in my nasolabial folds. My hair is sticking to my neck and it leaves me no choice but to perpetually have it in a messy bun or a high-ponytail. I can’t bear to chop it off because there will be days when I need to hide behind my curls. It’s depressing to have to make plans only after sundown and by then, I’m already so demotivated and all I want to do is stay in bed in my knickers and read. It all sound so dramatic but, really… this heat is driving me round the bend.

nude lipstick & a mess

personal diary

IMG_2879

I might have found what could possibly be my most, most, most favourite lipsticks all the time forever ever ever ever and they are: MAC Matte Lipstick in Honey Love and NARS Satin Lip Pencil in Isola Bella. I don’t use a lot of make-up on a daily basis. The things I put on my face are only the bare essentials – just so I won’t look like death. As is, I’m already a messy person. I forget things all the time. I’m always rummaging through my mess of a bag looking for my keys, or my iPhone, or my purse which I have, most likely, left under a book somewhere in my apartment. This part of me, the disaster part of me pisses an ex-boyfriend to no end. There were a lot of fights… oh, how we fight and followed by guilty silence after. But what can I say… I am a constant chaos. My life works in waves, of energy, madness, clarity and confusion. Several times, I walked out of my door, to the cafe downstairs, ordered a latte only to realise that I had left my purse upstairs. I have to worry about not forgetting things most of the time so make-up isn’t really a priority. So my point is, putting on eyeliner is already a chore and I don’t have the patience nor the skills to do up my face dramatically. Just the other night, I went out with a bunch of girlfriends for a special dinner and one of them pointed out and asked why did I not put on any make-up. Funny thing is, I did. I guess for me, natural is always best.

vague sadness & why it’s okay

personal diary

BabyTsyahmiTate

I want to always laugh like this. Head thrown back, body keeled over ready to collapse, hand reaching out to the next person for support and feeling tired, just happily tired. But life doesn’t work like that now, does it, dear? Life, it pull our strings tight we have to unravel sometimes. And you know what? It’s perfectly fine. There is no shame in your loose strings. Let it dangle and sway as you go along. It’s okay to sink into vague sadness – because sometimes, you just want to feel things. It is okay to hide behind big sunglasses at a cafe because you just want to be left alone with your thoughts. It is perfectly alright to be single and have all the time to yourself – get to know you. The best version of you. Your Instagram is not important. The price of your purse is not important. Your dreams and the people you surround yourself with – that’s what’s important. It’s okay to not have a lot of money. It’s okay to live modestly. It’s okay to wear the same dress everyday – because you like it and it fits right on your body. It’s fun to kiss boys and never call them again. It’s fun to blow your bank account to zero to buy an airplane ticket somewhere because new experience shapes you – it gives you more perspective. It makes you realise that the world is huge and it is yours to explore. It’s perfectly fine to be a loner and not have that many friends. Life is uncertain and in some chapters, it will be messy and confusing but it is up to you to write your happy ending. It’s your life and you have all this power to turn it into an amazing story. I want you to know that it’s okay to be unsure and messy. Life confuses you and here I am telling you that it’s okay.

nothing fits

personal diary

IMG_2622

I just got my period about 3 hours ago. I wasn’t expecting it because it’s not due in 10 more days. But alas, it’s here and there’s nothing I can do about it but to just wait for it to pass and right now, I’m just feeling too tired, too ugly, too hungry.

This too shall pass, darling.

Nothing that I do has been right these past few days. I’m always feeling agitated, annoyed, over sensitive and I cried at a cafe because I was just… annoyed about feeling annoyed.

A bunch of new, absolutely beautiful clothes arrived sometime last week and I could not have felt more sad. Nothing seems to fit. That’s what usually happens when my body bleeds. Nothing is right. I feel like a goddamn elephant, I’m bloated and I’m an emotional mess. I’ve been going through menstrual cycle for almost two decades now and every single month, this old feeling will come and my whole world will just crumble to the floor. Books that I read, every movies that I watch will only make me sad because everything is just so fucking emotional and confusing. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

Met an old friend for a drink earlier and I totally lost the plot. The whole night, my new jeans weren’t even buttoned. We talked about how people feel this need to always look so happy on social media. It’s a lie. We all know it’s not true. No one could be happy every-fucking-day. We’re all human. We’re made to feel things. To have emotions. If you’re happy, say you’re happy. If you’re sad, say that you’re sad. I know I have a lot to be happy about and I’m grateful. But it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to let your emotions consume you sometime. There need to be a balance between happiness and sadness because one won’t work without the other.

I know. You know. We all know.

a note to love

personal diary

FullSizeRender 2

I’m aware of being alone.

I’m not scared. Not anxious. Not unhappy. I’m actually enjoying this phase in my life but also excited of who I might meet and what will happen. Am I going to meet him at a cafe? Or when I travel? Or from online-dating sites? How will it happen when it happens? I let myself bask in these ridiculous imagination sometime. It’s fun and I’ll smile.

I’ve had my heart really, really shattered only once. It hit me suddenly one morning and I carried around the ache in my heart for 6 months. I lost a lot of weight. I locked myself in my room and binge watch something inane on Netflix for hours. I refuse to meet up with friends. Went on a drinking rampage alone only to regret it immediately.

6 months and I’ve had enough. I’m not this person. I could be a lot of things but I’m not weak.

There have been boys since. Awkward, failed first dates that still makes me laugh. Men I enjoyed for a few months, weeks, days and also those that I would love to have known better. It’s a collection of experience.

Often, I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Well, I’m not the easiest lady to date. A submissive one, I am most definitely not, darling. I’m opinionated. I don’t dim my voice when I have something to say. I have a temper that can be borderline satanic. I’m moody, prone to melancholic behaviour which I don’t even realise and most of all, I often enjoy (but not always) being a loner.

I’m not in a hurry. I’m not on quest to snag a husband. My heart is not in a mad rush to dive into someone else’s life. I just want someone who can meet me in the middle. A relationship where our lives meet, but does not become one. No, not yet. At the age of 32, where most of my close friends are already married and having their 3rd child, or are living with boyfriends, friends who have been with the same partner for a long, long time. I’m not ready for all that.

Right now, I’d like to find someone who held those promises to me.