Impromptu

personal diary

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I love the spontaneity of this photo. I was tracking my Uber and a good friend snapped this picture. Unpremeditated is how I feel as of late. I’m speeding through saying YES to almost everything. Maybe because, for the past 21-months, I’ve spent a lot of time alone, traipsed off my social life, ran away from relationships and just bask in my solitude, away from the world. The thing is, I don’t crave people. I feel most at one when I’m alone – I cherish all those mornings while I wait for my coffee to finish brewing and I just stand at my kitchen door and marvel at the simple fact that I own a sofa, and the tv, wow, that’s mine too. All these things seemed so far away merely a year and a half ago and now they are right in front of me to stare at while I sip my black coffee in nothing but my undies. You see, I needed to veer off somewhere by myself. And now, I can proudly say that my favourite company is my own. Of course, there are friends’ hands to hold when life rolls hard, but ultimately, I have me – I am enough. With that said, I do also have days where I would burst out in tears for no apparent reason. I am insane. But maybe, there is a lesson in my emotional mess. Firstly, whatever you’re struggling with this week, today, an hour ago… It will eventually vanish. We are similiar to good wine – we get better with age. Hold on to that thought whenever you feel lost or stonewalled or wailing into a bottle of Tanqueray. Secondly, happiness isn’t set in stone. It’s not a guarantee. Life is chaotic. So when you do feel that light and easy contentment; indulge it! No joy is too small to celebrate. If you are happy, say it, sing it, dance it. Go get 8 glasses of Chardonnay with your best friend. Be sure to honour the emotions in its simplest form. Learn to be spontaneous, tattoo the word “impromptu” in your mind so it would be a part of who you are. Say YES. A good friend asks me if I want to go to an event next week. I say YES, WHY NOT? Girls I barely knew asked me out for coffee YES, SURE WHERE? Let’s go for a random trip 2, 000 miles away YES, LET’S GO! Obviously there are a lot of things that is best to say NO to. But anything fun, exciting and trivial can always be better answered with a yes than a no. Life is short and wow, we are alive and we have all these days beyond us and it’s exhilarating and we can fill them however we please. Isn’t it beautiful and magical? This is life and its once and it’s a story, there is always a story. Remember that for your own life. It’s your life, make it a great story – blasting wild, beautiful and messy ablaze.

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Must You Ruin Everything?

personal diary

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Hypocritical Secretaries,
Friends,
And brothers.

Must you ruin everything?

As if the world were new?
As if it was the first morning?
As if it were still dawn?

The truth is, honourable Secretaries,
Is that what has already been ruined.
Our founding disillusion is our freedom.

You must have nothing to lose,
To love heart and soul.
You must eclipse the giddy heights,
To dare to plunge headlong.
You must endure the fall of empires and the greatest storms,
To be together in that moment.

You must have lived.
You must have lost.
Over and again.
To triumph with you.

Love is nothing when it’s clean, new and pure.
Love before the storm is not a decision.
It’s a decree.

When the event, accident or opportunity occurs.
Be there.
Standing.

Find the word, action or look.

Yes, my love.
In that moment,
Rely on me.
I won’t go missing.

At that minute,
I’ll be there.

And so, I predict…
We shall be,
The winners.

– Mon Roi

My Own Little World

personal diary

Messy hair and an even messier heart is how I have come to you today. Bare faced, wearing my new lazy top that I got on sale a few days ago. “Unsteady” by X-Ambassadors were on a loop since four hours ago. The night is cold. I can feel the breeze from my window, sweeping into this house of mine – my own little world as I like to think of it. A few art pieces in frames that are still on the floor. I’ve been meaning to have them nailed properly on the wall, but haven’t gotten around it and I don’t know why. Books that I have read and re-read looked pretty on the shelf. Stacks of old books that nobody seems to want, but me.  When my heart is broken and life gets heavy, there is nowhere I’d rather be but here – in my bed for two but just for me alone. Nothing can hurt me here. Life is simple in my little world. I feel safe and protected here in a way I can’t quite explain. I keep to myself. I spend more time alone –  there are books and writing and endless cups of coffee and flowers and Netflix to keep me company. Maybe this is me growing up a tiny bit. Maybe it’s me finding home between my skin and bones and eventually, I will wind up being exactly what I need to be. The woman of my dreams.

A Wish For A Day Together

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Oh, I wish we could hang out together – I would love to have you over for breakfast. I make a mean French Toast with blueberry & crushed ginger snaps and drizzled with agave sugar. You can help me with coffee – I like mine black with half a teaspoon of sugar, thank you. We’ll talk about what juice to have later. I’ll suggest carrot & ginger. You want orange. I will mix all three just to be fair. We’ll sit on my bed with the windows wide open while listening to Spotify. I’ll tell you about the boy I’m in love with and how he has no clue. You’ll tell me about cute things your boyfriend did for you. I’ll feel happy for you, but sad for me. For a split second I’ll feel alone, but not lonely. We’ll continue to talk about nothing that is everything and everything that is nothing. The sun will start to set and the sky turns gold. You’ll sit cross-legged at the corner of my bed while I agonise over my makeup and I’ll curse when I smear mascara on my cheek (because let’s face it, I’m a disaster!). You will assure me that I look amazing and that my outfit is the perfect combination of provocative and playful. We’d go out without a plan. One thing we’re sure of is we need some wine. There might be a bar, or a few bars. We might also share a plate of truffle fries, there might be handsome men, or there might not be. There might be taxis across town and back again. There could be nothing, or everything. But anything at all is fine with us –  because it’s the weekend and we have each other and the promise of a night together that we will laugh about tomorrow.

you will always have you

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Here are some thoughts I found in the sun, here are some thoughts I want you to read and here are some thoughts I want you to know; love yourself. There is nothing wrong with self-love. There will come a day when you need to make definitive decisions for your future where you need to place yourself first. There is no way you can give to others if you’re not whole. I wish I could tell myself this when I was younger – that I need to love myself enough to walk away from people that weren’t making me better. There are a lot of people in this world who can make you feel inadequate, who will go to great length just to make you feel so fucking small. My ex used say to me when we fight, “I would really like to see how your life turns out one day when I leave you.” I have to say, it hurts a lot. In his mind, he upgraded me and that by being with me he’s actually doing me a favour. Eventually, we broke up. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I cried myself to sleep for months. Yes, I wallowed in melancholy dirge for half a year. And then, I decided I’ve had enough. I took time to focus on the relationship with myself. I paid attention to my needs. And it’s been great. You need to understand that after love, life does not stop. Life keeps going and it’s really up to us to create the story we want to live. But always remember to love yourself first. Protect yourself, protect your heart. People owe us nothing: they can just walk into our lives, make us feel hopeful and loved, then disappear without any explanation or apology. And for us girls, we often get carried away too soon. And it’s always a mess. But you shouldn’t regret anything. You should remember all of it. You should remember all the time you wasted in your room or someone else’s room. You should remember the people you tried to love and those who tried to love you. Then I want you to remember the moment you developed an understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t. I want you to remember being comfortable with yourself and not feel the need to apologise for every goddamn thing. I want you to always, always remember the very first time you decided not to put your entire being into someone’s careless hands. Because remembering and realising that you will always have you, that’s pretty fucking great.

rain & other thoughts

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I love how it rains everyday now. The temperature has dropped, the sky sings and I’m happy – happy to participate in life before sundown. Happy to make plans at noon and not having to think twice before ordering a glass (or two) of red wine. I forgot my wallet again today. Left it on the console table when I put on my shoes this morning and forgotten all about it. Realised it a tad too late – after I ordered my Long Black at the cafe near my office. Bless the barista for mistaking my messiness as cute – it’s not. But other than not having any money today, I had a good day. I managed to tick all of my boxes and more. Mercury is in Retrograde right now, so I’m a little nervous everyday. I worry about things I shouldn’t be worried about. But that’s just how I cope. That’s the only way I know how. I think a bit too much. Too much that I am a constant chaos. Just look at this, look at what I just wrote. I jump from one thing to another. My thoughts are everywhere. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

in the night quiet

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I’m missing someone somewhere far. We’ve only met once and it doesn’t make sense. I didn’t expect this, I dragged myself out for our first and only date (so far). I guess this is what happens after a long saga of dating disasters. You grow weary and pessimistic and hesitant and doubtful. You just expect nothing. We have all been there, single and happy being alone but seeking for someone somewhere. It was a Saturday, we had dinner; I had some nibbles and we shared a bottle of wine, silently telling myself he’s a total womanizer – because there I sat and I don’t even half-hate him and that is quite strange. I wasn’t discreetly sending SOS text to a friend, in fact, my iPhone was face-down on the table and I didn’t even look at it once. I actually had a very lovely time. Funny, how very funny. I should stop before I embarrass myself further telling all of you about something that is probably nothing. Or it could be something. I don’t know. Sigh. It is always in the night quiet I let myself drown in feelings. Like tonight. I miss someone somewhere far and it doesn’t make sense.

Villa America

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I’m in the midst of reading Villa America right now. I’m at the part where Gerald Murphy and Sara Wiborg writes love letters prior to them getting married. I’m fascinated by the Murphys, I really am. They were real-life characters who inspired Fitzgerald’s Tender is the Night (a very, very good book by the way). They were iconic in the Golden age of 1920s Europe. They threw magnificent parties –  with equally magnificent guests like F. Scott Fitzgerald himself to Man Ray to Joyce to Picasso and Hemingway. Villa America at Cap d’Antibes in the French Riviera is a real place too. Oh, how I wish I’d lived to be friends with the Murphys. Sometimes I’m able to visualise how enchanting the 1920s Europe was, and sometimes, I just sit and sigh wondering how it really was. Sara and Gerald grew up in a tableau vivant and they swore not to succumb to that once they got married. They have the most peculiar taste in things – a bassinet that was made of reeds, a pair of silver grape scissors, a set of ivory oyster forks, a strange lavender pitcher for Honoria’s (their first born) bath. Can you just imagine their house? Can you imagine the art collection that they had mounted on the walls at Villa America? Gerald Murphy dabbled in fine arts too for awhile and produced 14 paintings from 1922 and 1929 which is now considered major works of American Modernism. This book has piqued my interest in the Murphys even more. I wish someone would write me love letters… or emails. Don’t people believe in romance anymore? I don’t know. I’m a bit tipsy as I’m writing this.

the heat & my grouses

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This was exactly two months ago. One day, I will tell you all about my month-long trip to Spain and all the feelings that came with it.

I miss everywhere except where I am right now, which doesn’t even make sense. I’m tired of the weather – the heat and humidity has risen to levels that I can no longer bear. I’m back to chewing ice cubes after meals, an old habit that I absolutely despise. Putting on makeup is a waste of time as it will melt and form a funny gunk in my nasolabial folds. My hair is sticking to my neck and it leaves me no choice but to perpetually have it in a messy bun or a high-ponytail. I can’t bear to chop it off because there will be days when I need to hide behind my curls. It’s depressing to have to make plans only after sundown and by then, I’m already so demotivated and all I want to do is stay in bed in my knickers and read. It all sound so dramatic but, really… this heat is driving me round the bend.

nude lipstick & a mess

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I might have found what could possibly be my most, most, most favourite lipsticks all the time forever ever ever ever and they are: MAC Matte Lipstick in Honey Love and NARS Satin Lip Pencil in Isola Bella. I don’t use a lot of make-up on a daily basis. The things I put on my face are only the bare essentials – just so I won’t look like death. As is, I’m already a messy person. I forget things all the time. I’m always rummaging through my mess of a bag looking for my keys, or my iPhone, or my purse which I have, most likely, left under a book somewhere in my apartment. This part of me, the disaster part of me pisses an ex-boyfriend to no end. There were a lot of fights… oh, how we fight and followed by guilty silence after. But what can I say… I am a constant chaos. My life works in waves, of energy, madness, clarity and confusion. Several times, I walked out of my door, to the cafe downstairs, ordered a latte only to realise that I had left my purse upstairs. I have to worry about not forgetting things most of the time so make-up isn’t really a priority. So my point is, putting on eyeliner is already a chore and I don’t have the patience nor the skills to do up my face dramatically. Just the other night, I went out with a bunch of girlfriends for a special dinner and one of them pointed out and asked why did I not put on any make-up. Funny thing is, I did. I guess for me, natural is always best.