first youth/love theme

personal diary

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It’s been raining the whole day and I just clicked the ‘x’ on my work email tab commemorating that I am done with work for the day. I have Ennio Morricone’s Cinema Paradiso score playing on my speaker and I feel a tiny comfort sweep into my little space. It’s been a series of great days that culminate in a month I tied up into a box of memories to add up to my ever expanding collection. You see, I have always envisioned the various chapters of my life as lives in themselves, simply because when I look back, the spectrum of colour seems so much different to where I am right now. I am fiercely nostalgic to a point where I’m afraid this could be just an over-sentimentalization, but then again… I see my life as a story and no good story is ever boring. As you already know, back in November, I flew to Bangkok to meet a man and ended up falling in love. Last month, I traveled 9,682 kilometres to Eastern Europe to be with him for a whole month. At first, I was afraid that he would get exasperated after a while because, let’s face it – I am insane – and that I would end up on the street should we decide after a few days that we are not well suited. But that didn’t happen. If it’s anything, I fell even more in love with him. I felt so, so loved. We went on a road trip. We had so much fun. So here we are, in month 4 of 12 and I’m looking ahead, hoping that the love I feel doesn’t abandon, fail, betray or trick me as the days go by. Now, I’m not a fan of sugar-coating stories, we’ve had our disagreements and there are a few accounts that I’ve replied his texts with one-word answers. It’s terrible. I tend to forget that now, the things I do can affect not one, but two. And vice-versa. I’m learning how to be a good girlfriend, perhaps I never knew or I forgot. But I don’t really think about it too much because a pressure like that could break a relationship all in itself. I would like to believe that Michael loves me enough to look pass my fluctuating moods and melancholic episodes. For now, my craziness and his patience coalesce well enough for him to call me every night and for me to text him I love yous, I miss yous about 20,000 times a day. For now, I don’t need to think about forever. Knowing that we had yesterday, we have today and tomorrow is ours too, that’s all I need to feel happy and okay.

A Wish For A Day Together

personal diary

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Oh, I wish we could hang out together – I would love to have you over for breakfast. I make a mean French Toast with blueberry & crushed ginger snaps and drizzled with agave sugar. You can help me with coffee – I like mine black with half a teaspoon of sugar, thank you. We’ll talk about what juice to have later. I’ll suggest carrot & ginger. You want orange. I will mix all three just to be fair. We’ll sit on my bed with the windows wide open while listening to Spotify. I’ll tell you about the boy I’m in love with and how he has no clue. You’ll tell me about cute things your boyfriend did for you. I’ll feel happy for you, but sad for me. For a split second I’ll feel alone, but not lonely. We’ll continue to talk about nothing that is everything and everything that is nothing. The sun will start to set and the sky turns gold. You’ll sit cross-legged at the corner of my bed while I agonise over my makeup and I’ll curse when I smear mascara on my cheek (because let’s face it, I’m a disaster!). You will assure me that I look amazing and that my outfit is the perfect combination of provocative and playful. We’d go out without a plan. One thing we’re sure of is we need some wine. There might be a bar, or a few bars. We might also share a plate of truffle fries, there might be handsome men, or there might not be. There might be taxis across town and back again. There could be nothing, or everything. But anything at all is fine with us –  because it’s the weekend and we have each other and the promise of a night together that we will laugh about tomorrow.

you will always have you

personal diary

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Here are some thoughts I found in the sun, here are some thoughts I want you to read and here are some thoughts I want you to know; love yourself. There is nothing wrong with self-love. There will come a day when you need to make definitive decisions for your future where you need to place yourself first. There is no way you can give to others if you’re not whole. I wish I could tell myself this when I was younger – that I need to love myself enough to walk away from people that weren’t making me better. There are a lot of people in this world who can make you feel inadequate, who will go to great length just to make you feel so fucking small. My ex used say to me when we fight, “I would really like to see how your life turns out one day when I leave you.” I have to say, it hurts a lot. In his mind, he upgraded me and that by being with me he’s actually doing me a favour. Eventually, we broke up. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I cried myself to sleep for months. Yes, I wallowed in melancholy dirge for half a year. And then, I decided I’ve had enough. I took time to focus on the relationship with myself. I paid attention to my needs. And it’s been great. You need to understand that after love, life does not stop. Life keeps going and it’s really up to us to create the story we want to live. But always remember to love yourself first. Protect yourself, protect your heart. People owe us nothing: they can just walk into our lives, make us feel hopeful and loved, then disappear without any explanation or apology. And for us girls, we often get carried away too soon. And it’s always a mess. But you shouldn’t regret anything. You should remember all of it. You should remember all the time you wasted in your room or someone else’s room. You should remember the people you tried to love and those who tried to love you. Then I want you to remember the moment you developed an understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t. I want you to remember being comfortable with yourself and not feel the need to apologise for every goddamn thing. I want you to always, always remember the very first time you decided not to put your entire being into someone’s careless hands. Because remembering and realising that you will always have you, that’s pretty fucking great.

a note to love

personal diary

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I’m aware of being alone.

I’m not scared. Not anxious. Not unhappy. I’m actually enjoying this phase in my life but also excited of who I might meet and what will happen. Am I going to meet him at a cafe? Or when I travel? Or from online-dating sites? How will it happen when it happens? I let myself bask in these ridiculous imagination sometime. It’s fun and I’ll smile.

I’ve had my heart really, really shattered only once. It hit me suddenly one morning and I carried around the ache in my heart for 6 months. I lost a lot of weight. I locked myself in my room and binge watch something inane on Netflix for hours. I refuse to meet up with friends. Went on a drinking rampage alone only to regret it immediately.

6 months and I’ve had enough. I’m not this person. I could be a lot of things but I’m not weak.

There have been boys since. Awkward, failed first dates that still makes me laugh. Men I enjoyed for a few months, weeks, days and also those that I would love to have known better. It’s a collection of experience.

Often, I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Well, I’m not the easiest lady to date. A submissive one, I am most definitely not, darling. I’m opinionated. I don’t dim my voice when I have something to say. I have a temper that can be borderline satanic. I’m moody, prone to melancholic behaviour which I don’t even realise and most of all, I often enjoy (but not always) being a loner.

I’m not in a hurry. I’m not on quest to snag a husband. My heart is not in a mad rush to dive into someone else’s life. I just want someone who can meet me in the middle. A relationship where our lives meet, but does not become one. No, not yet. At the age of 32, where most of my close friends are already married and having their 3rd child, or are living with boyfriends, friends who have been with the same partner for a long, long time. I’m not ready for all that.

Right now, I’d like to find someone who held those promises to me.