Messy hair and an even messier heart is how I have come to you today. Bare faced, wearing my new lazy top that I got on sale a few days ago. “Unsteady” by X-Ambassadors were on a loop since four hours ago. The night is cold. I can feel the breeze from my window, sweeping into this house of mine – my own little world as I like to think of it. A few art pieces in frames that are still on the floor. I’ve been meaning to have them nailed properly on the wall, but haven’t gotten around it and I don’t know why. Books that I have read and re-read looked pretty on the shelf. Stacks of old books that nobody seems to want, but me. When my heart is broken and life gets heavy, there is nowhere I’d rather be but here – in my bed for two but just for me alone. Nothing can hurt me here. Life is simple in my little world. I feel safe and protected here in a way I can’t quite explain. I keep to myself. I spend more time alone – there are books and writing and endless cups of coffee and flowers and Netflix to keep me company. Maybe this is me growing up a tiny bit. Maybe it’s me finding home between my skin and bones and eventually, I will wind up being exactly what I need to be. The woman of my dreams.
Here are some thoughts I found in the sun, here are some thoughts I want you to read and here are some thoughts I want you to know; love yourself. There is nothing wrong with self-love. There will come a day when you need to make definitive decisions for your future where you need to place yourself first. There is no way you can give to others if you’re not whole. I wish I could tell myself this when I was younger – that I need to love myself enough to walk away from people that weren’t making me better. There are a lot of people in this world who can make you feel inadequate, who will go to great length just to make you feel so fucking small. My ex used say to me when we fight, “I would really like to see how your life turns out one day when I leave you.” I have to say, it hurts a lot. In his mind, he upgraded me and that by being with me he’s actually doing me a favour. Eventually, we broke up. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I cried myself to sleep for months. Yes, I wallowed in melancholy dirge for half a year. And then, I decided I’ve had enough. I took time to focus on the relationship with myself. I paid attention to my needs. And it’s been great. You need to understand that after love, life does not stop. Life keeps going and it’s really up to us to create the story we want to live. But always remember to love yourself first. Protect yourself, protect your heart. People owe us nothing: they can just walk into our lives, make us feel hopeful and loved, then disappear without any explanation or apology. And for us girls, we often get carried away too soon. And it’s always a mess. But you shouldn’t regret anything. You should remember all of it. You should remember all the time you wasted in your room or someone else’s room. You should remember the people you tried to love and those who tried to love you. Then I want you to remember the moment you developed an understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t. I want you to remember being comfortable with yourself and not feel the need to apologise for every goddamn thing. I want you to always, always remember the very first time you decided not to put your entire being into someone’s careless hands. Because remembering and realising that you will always have you, that’s pretty fucking great.